"Pull Yourself Together!"

This is a strange little statement: Pull Yourself Together. 

It's been a hard day of learning about terrible deaths in the news, comforting close friends who grieve, and enduring a general weariness over evil and brokenness in the world.

Years ago, I might sit in my minivan, tilt my chin up, and say, "Pull yourself together, Heather! Find some flair!"

I realize how much of my life has been about doing this. It's been all about gathering in all my wild emotions, terrible wanderings, grieving thoughts, and bizarre behaviors into some kind of order.

Today, I realize a better quote is this: "Let Yourself Fall Completely Apart!"

That's when I stop trying so hard to make sense of anything. That's when I break open so God can do that mighty work. Pulling myself together has something to do with being in control and making sense of what's happening. I want the narrative. I want to know the why behind it all. I want to make sense of it all.

But what if I can't? What if I just can't find the narrative in senseless deaths? What if I just can't find any reason for anything anymore? My wise friend said this: "Why is not the most important question."

We talk about how God owns our life, and if He chooses to withhold any order or sense of narrative--a why behind a senseless thing--then I submit to not knowing. I submit to falling apart and moving forward with faith.

I'm not pulling myself together anymore. I don't have to. That's living with flair.