It Wasn't Pretty

I officially had the worst intestinal virus ever. I literally cried out to God on my knees to have mercy on me! For 5 days, I felt hopeless and miserable. I couldn't find joy no matter how hard I tried. I didn't feel spiritual, wise, good, or loved.

Bible verses didn't help. Prayer didn't help. I told my husband I was one big hypocrite, and that I thought I was so strong and spiritual. I wasn't! When we went back to the doctor, I actually told him that the spirit-filled life wasn't working against my pain!

But it was. I learned frailty. I learned that emotions are not truth and were never the truth. I learned that God carried me whether I could perceive Him or not. 

Faith--when all the emotions and all the sensations of the human body spoil the feeling of it--remains untouched and real inside the core of my will. 

Faith never depended on me anyway, none of it. The real me is that frail one, doubled over, angry and hopeless, in desperate need, crying out in the darkness. That's me. 

"It was good for me to be afflicted, so I could learn your decrees." Psalm 119:71